Getting Tagged (or how to waste an entire aftenoon on nothing)

Okay…. I got tagged.

(Originally posted on February 19, 2009 on FB)

So when one is tagged, the deal is … at least amongst compulsive bloggers… is that you must answer 101 questions about yourself… being honest, but also not putting the reader to sleep or cause them to become nauseous over your self indulgent, sappy musings.  I have likely utterly failed already on both counts as I am a poor liar and a total bore…. regardless, here it be. Find a bucket.

1. Men are…
…. usually underestimated these days. But then again, any man with any brains finds it to his advantage to keep it that way.

2. How do you like your coffee?
Two sugars, dark.

3. I’d describe my sense of humor as…
…my life raft.

4. What’s your magic word?
“Contingency!” or “Non-recoupable” depending upon who is in the room.

5. Love is great, but I’d also marry for…
…food.

6. I feel naked without my…
clothes on.

7. Complete this sentence: Life is like a box of…
…subsequent boxes.

8. When I was little, I used to believe that…
…the moon was laughing.

9. I’d be totally screwed without…
…ears.

10. I feel most powerful when…
…the check clears.

11. I like people who are…
… clean.

12. I wish I were a character in…
… a Frank Capra movie.

13. Waffles are…
… highly overrated.

14. When the aliens arrive, I hope they bring…
… their own doughnuts.

15. Women are…
… like a gift of a Swiss Army knife to a 10 year old. Of course you’ll cut yourself, but who cares?

16. You have the right to remain…
… as ill informed as you sound.

17. Who would you want to be with on a desert island?
My wife, my kids and my dogs. Everybody else can apply for visas.

18. I miss…
… personal accountability.

19. I’m allergic to…
… authority.

20. What makes you homesick?
Not being home.

21. What’s the closest you’ve come to death?
Being shot at.

22. A little bit country or a little bit rock and roll?
Nothing little about it.

23. In 100 years, my generation will be remembered for…
Bongs. Squandered opportunity. Great music.

24. Burn Out or Fade Away?
Already at that crossroads apparently.

25. What’s your favorite song lyric?
“Ronald is so happy with a sandwich in his shoe.” …at least that’s it sounded like what Dylan said the last time I heard him live.

26. Bury me with my…
….hand in someone else’s pocket.

27. I love the scent of…
… horses. Not kidding.

28. Who do you take after? Mom or Dad?
Mom. She was one tough customer with a universally disarming smile.

29. What’s the dumbest excuse you’ve used to break up with someone?
Never had a dumb excuse. I’d usually wait until I was thinking about calling the police and that was usually a pretty solid clue that they needed to go.

30. When was the last time you gave your parents a call?
That would be a little difficult in that they checked out of this hotel awhile back.

31. If I could control my dreams, I’d dream about…
I wouldn’t do that. That would ruin the suspense.

32. The answer to the ultimate question is…
It doesn’t come in your size.

33. God is…
… a definite, but looks nothing like Charlton Heston. Atheists are anachronistic in light of today’s science and they are pitiable in their hubris.

34. My first word was probably…
Not probably. It was “chicken noodle soup.” I saved my debut for a good one and I had witnesses.

35. What’s the sexiest thing a member of the opposite sex can wear?
Jewelry and shoes. Nothing else is necessary.

36. I wonder about…
… what’s going to happen when the Fed runs out of green ink and paper.

37. Nothing beats…
…sleep.

38. Early riser or night owl?
Insomniac.

39. Fame or Fortune?
Both, and the brains to handle them responsibly.

40. I wish I had never seen…
… anything with Vin Diesel or Will Ferrell in it. I want that part of my brain back, please.

41. Winter, Spring, Summer, or Fall?
Spring.

42. Who is are your hero(s)?
My kids.

43. Politics are…
… the best entertainment value around.

44. What was the best advice you ever received?
Look them in the eye and keep smiling.

45. What was your most cherished memory from the past year?
In hindsight, when I stopped asking for permission to do things and simply bought the company.

46. I want my last meal to be…
… high in cholesterol and salt.

47. My philosophy is…
When they tell you “no,” ask them who gave them any authority in the matter in the first place.

48. There’s more to life than…
… cable news. Shoot your television.

49. Quick! Write the last sentence of your autobiography.
“However, the charges were eventually dropped for lack of evidence and credible witnesses.”

50. Everything is negotiable in a relationship, except…
… everything else.

51. George W. Bush is…
… last week’s one liner. Time to move on. There are more important things to attend to at the moment.

52. I’ve never…
… hmmmmm. Let me get back to you on that one.

53. Which side is your good side?
The one that I’m lying on at the time.

54. Late at night, I like to eat…
Valium and Cocoa Crispies.

55. What did you have for lunch yesterday?
Sausage & Peppers.

56. Pardon my…
… finger.

57. Quick! What’s a creative way to recycle an empty toilet paper tube?
Give it to the dogs. They love them for some reason and love you for giving one to them.

58. If you were invisible for a day, what would you do?
Go to the bank.

59. Girls are sugar and spice and everything…
… that you used to own.

60. What was the first thing you bought when you got your first credit card?
A round.

61. If I had to spend twenty bucks in the next twenty minutes, I would…
…. likely run on down to the music store and find something that I already have two of.

62. Which sport is the best to watch?
Hurling. Thirty Irishmen on a field with axe shaped sticks and a rock. Now that’s entertainment!

63. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a marble?
Why don’t you call me when you figure that one out, Slappy. I can’t wait.

64. What is/was your imaginary friend’s name?
Sam. He was an empty Maxwell House coffee can and I was two or three. How pathetic is that?

65. People make fun of my…
… snoring.

66. My comfort food is…
… cigarettes.

67. What’s your favorite type of cheese?
Slightly soft parmesan. That, some sopresata, bread and oil, glass of wine. Bang! Lunch! Wow!

68. What was (or will be) your wedding song?
Idiot Wind – Bob Dylan

69. I’m back in the…
…studio. Don’t knock.

70. Do you play any instruments?
With varying degrees of sincerity depending upon the size of the check.

71. Would you shave your head for a worthy charity?
Certainly. But who is so bad off that they would eat my hair?

72. What’s the worst that could happen?
Anything that hurts my kids. God won’t even help you.

73. How often do you go without underpants?
Depends upon what’s on the agenda.

74. I’m the best at…
…. holding my tongue around morons or the painfully lazy. Seriously, you have absolutely no idea.

75. What music should they play at your funeral? (example: Get On Up)
Someone should stand in the corner with a Theremin. That should properly freak the place up.

76. Milk chocolate, dark chocolate, or white chocolate?
Dark. No contest.

77. Bill or Hillary?
Monica.

78. What album could you listen to every day for the rest of your life?
Puccini: Madam Butterfly; Callas. But even that, everyday? The rest of my life?

79. When you get stressed, what are you most likely to throw out the window?
Body parts.

80. What’s the fastest you’ve ever driven?
135…. ish. No ticket. Figures…. when your trying…!

81. When faced with a problem, I…
… solve it. Let me ask you a question, did you write these questions all by yourself or did you have some help. Because if someone helped you, you should take away their crayons.

82. A recent poll shows a fifth of Americans cannot locate the US on a world map. Why do you think this is?
Hahahahahahaha! Why do “I’ think this is? Hahahahahahaha!

83. For my first wish, I wish…
… for a few moments with my attorney.

84. I’d like to be captain on a manned mission to…
Los Angeles.

85. What was your worst fashion mistake?
Allowing that stylist to have ever set foot on the set of the music videos for Stun Leer.

86. How old were you when you had your first date?
Seven. Got lucky too… for seven.

87. Are you a cat or a dog person?
I like both, but dogs rule.

88. Define yourself in 3 words…
On the phone.

89. Where do you want to travel next?
To the end of my driveway.

90. What is your favorite food?
Pretty much anything that wouldn’t necessarily eat me if given the chance.

91. What is your favorite place?
Bed.

92. If you could have one super human power what would you choose?
I thought we covered this. I’d be invisible and then hit the bank.

93. Have you had a beer in the last week?
Ya think?

94. Flip flops or sandles?
Boots. Even in the pool.

95. What do you do on fridays?
I practice spelling. You might consider it too. Weekday names are traditionally capitalized.

96. What is your favorite song of all time?
Hells Bells

97. Do you like bananas?
Actually no. I know they are good for you, but they make my nose feel funny.

98. Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have?
My God, you really are an idiot aren’t you?

99. When do you plan on getting married?
So when do you plan on just killing yourself? Honestly! You get paid for this?

100. Get the number or give the number?
email.

101. Romance or Kinky?
Please explain the difference.